conquering the world one oxymoron at a time
Archive for May, 2005
May 20, 2005 at 3:13 pm · Filed under life thoughts
I am really starting to question my decision to come here. More and more I feel like I am not getting very much out of this experience that I can hold to be valuable, and it takes such a toll on my life, my state of mind, and my general happiness that its worth doesn’t quite add up anymore.
I can’t help mulling over in my mind the fact that I never really wanted to be here in the first place. This isn’t what I wanted to do, but through whatever pressures from others, pressures from my life, pressures to meet expectations, I signed on for this thinking “what’s the big deal, just another 5 years of school.” The reality is that it’s not just another 5 years of school. If I don’t enjoy it, it’s 5 years of unhappiness. If I am not getting much out of it, it’s 5 years of wasting my life. If I’m truly miserable going through this, it’s 5 years of getting up in the morning forcing myself to face something that I hate, only to find out after 5 years that life will never change because I have locked myself in jobs I don’t want to do because of the three stupid little letters behind my name.
My heart/mind wasn’t into all of this when I arrived last August, and through the course of the year, I feel like I have constantly questioned whether or not this is it. I have tried to push out of my mind the fact that it doesn’t really make sense to spend 5 years to get a degree that I want to do nothing with after graduating. But somehow, all along, I thought my mindset would change, that circumstances would change, and they really haven’t.
Maybe it’s the impending quals that’s making me start to really really question many of these things and become consumed by these thoughts, maybe it’s just that this past month has been especially hard, maybe it’s other things in life … I don’t know. The past couple of days, I feel like all of this bottled up resistance has just come crashing down in the form of total and utter hopelessness. So what if I study and pass quals? I still have research waiting for me that I really couldn’t care less about. So what if I make some progress on my research project? It just means that I have to keep going at it instead of doing something else.
There are times when I think, gosh, all I have to do is talk to somebody, my parents, my advisor, my friends … but when it all comes down to it, I can’t talk to them. My parents will only tell me that I’m feeling down because I’ve got this big test coming up. They’ll just try to tell me that I always back down from stuff when the going gets tough. They won’t listen if I tell them, no mom, no dad, I really didn’t want to do this, and it was you who pressured me to come here in the first place. They won’t believe me if I say, yes mom, yes dad, if you weren’t in the picture, I’d probably be in Atlanta right now. Friends don’t really fully understand. People who are here want to be here, and people who aren’t here can’t understand why I would ever complain about being at one of the “greatest places in the world for science.”
May 19, 2005 at 4:40 am · Filed under tv/movies
*sigh* absolutely epic. i’m writing this down before i get influenced by anybody trying to convince me otherwise. episode iii is george lucas’ redemption. i’ll die happy having seen it.
May 18, 2005 at 1:33 pm · Filed under daily grind
I have recently gotten addicted to coffee and shopping. I can’t help buying things whenever I walk into a store, and I can’t help drinking 2 cups of coffee per night. That coffee will come in handy tonight especially as we ready ourselves for the midnight showing of the final installment of that great saga in a galaxy far far away.
May 14, 2005 at 10:37 pm · Filed under music
I’m surprised I didn’t discover this song until a couple of days ago … so good, so catchy:
“Deliah plays that ol’ church pian’a
Sitting out on her daddy’s farm
She always thought that we’d be together
Lord I never meant to do her harm
Said she could hear me singin’ in the choir
Me, I heard another song
I caught wind and hit the road runnin’
And lord, I’ve been a long time gone
Been a long time gone
Lord, I ain’t had a prayer since I don’t know when
Long time gone
And it ain’t comin’ back again”
— Dixie Chicks, Long Time Gone
May 13, 2005 at 2:52 pm · Filed under life thoughts, site updates
I’m thinking about making a new page, a snappier one that’s less artsy, and perhaps more techie? Or maybe a combination of techie and artsy. Anyway, so I thought about how I want my new “about me” page to look. Here’s a thought:
There are many things that I miss here in New England, a list of which actually would tell a lot about me: I miss generally friendly people, my parents, country music, warm weather, relatively less stress, black tie formals, novels, slower pace, friends, reading the newspaper every morning with breakfast, conservatives (or rather just moderates since I really can’t stand hard right religious conservatives).
Things I don’t miss: nagging parents (though they don’t really nag me anymore, which makes me miss them more and makes me feel guilty for thinking bad things about them when they nag me), people who hate lgbt, 100+ degree summers.
Then I thought … why must I make an “about me” page anyway? Who really cares? Are these pages simply on the web as a means of spewing self-importance? People who read it probably are my friends and would then know me anyway, and hopefully know the information I put on this page … and when it comes down to it, I really don’t think there are people out there dying to find out more about me. Those same non-existent people are also not going to go google me to find a webpage to learn more about me. Same with this blog … mostly I write for myself, so why have stuff like this??
All of this probably goes once again to my conforming nature … everybody has an “about me” page if they have a webpage. In fact, beginning web design classes usually walk you through designing a page about yourself. So naturally, I have one. And also, it’s interesting running into a friend I haven’t seen in a while and realize that he knows a lot about what’s going on in my life. How? He’s a loyal “conjured activism” reader. The debates about whether or not this is awkward will have to be saved for another entry.
May 10, 2005 at 2:27 am · Filed under life thoughts
I miss having spring and flowers and grass, and most of all, I miss being able to dig out my skirts in March and feeling that certain feeling in the air of hope, happiness, and a general desire to be outside. Boston is a cold cold city that does not afford me any of these luxuries. I could still see my breath while outside today, and it’s god-awful almost middle of May.
Aside from the weather, I feel like MIT is just a cold place in May, in general. There is no spring to look forward to, which is just as well since I’m not feeling very spring-y these days (no pun intended). With finals and quals and general unhappiness/stress weighing down on me, it’s hard to be upbeat and to feel the “spring in the air.”
Around here, everyone seems to look forward to the summer, and nobody talks about springs. Being my usual conforming self, I find that I, too, have almost forgotten about the existence of spring. Instead, I am wishing for those mythical warm summer months to arrive sooner, but most of all, just wishing for a chance to have a life, to have conversations with people, to see my friends … *sigh* … only 3 more weeks of the cold, then I’ll be home free.
May 8, 2005 at 12:35 am · Filed under wahoowa
“Comic books suck — remember those kids that read comic books? Neither do I — everyone talks about comic books as if they spent their childhood reading them but really they were watching teenage mutant ninja turtles” –rodchat guy
May 6, 2005 at 3:08 am · Filed under tv/movies
I know it’s lame to post about American Idol, but hey I’ve refrained from writing anything on it this whole season so far. This week is probably the best week this season, and I didn’t even watch either the performance or the results show (I know, what was I thinking???). The reason it’s so great is because Scott Savol finally got kicked off. After hanging on for dear life, ousting beautiful people like Nadia and Anwar, Scott is finally gone. Thank the powers that be.
Honestly, Scott should have been kicked off 10 weeks ago! I can’t believe he’s lasted this long, and my roommate totally agrees. Okay, so she and I may not really represent all of America on this, but who in their right mind actually calls in to vote for this guy? Scott still being in the competition was ruining my entire American Idol experience, but now I can happily go on knowing that he is gone. I’d support any of the current final 4 winning it in the end … okay maybe Anthony a bit less than the other three.
And just a quote to end with a bang:
“Um, I don’t mean to assume, but what else could be on that list? Is Idol competing with something? Like the time he got two Zagnut bars out of the vending machine even though he only paid for one?” –official www.idolonfox.com recap, in response to Scott’s farewell speech, in which he said that American Idol has been one of the best experiences of his life. Ouch, that had to hurt.
May 3, 2005 at 5:22 pm · Filed under grad life/MIT
Things to do this summer:
1) PASS QUALS (May 26)
… and after/if that happens, then we move on …
2) Catherine’s wedding in Maine (May 29) - who wants to be my date? food, drinks, dancing, and quality time with yours truly. I mean, come on, who can possibly resist?
3) Actually do research (June-August) - work up the f-ing courage to tell my advisor what i really want to do with my upcoming 5+ years of slaving, and then slave away so that I can escape this place before 5+ years have gone by
4) Party it up in Chicago (July 28-31) - self-explanatory, Chicago will have no clue what hit it when me and my girls (hopefully) knock it upside the head
5) Houston (somewhere in there) - visit Ali and all them fine Latin men she’s eyeing down in Texas
6) Plan MIT Graduate Orientation 2005 (all up in there during the summer) - self-explanatory, yours truly just recently became the new Graduate Student Council Orientation Chair
7) Move (August 13-15) - move into my new apartment, fresh and ready to be a GRT :)
May 2, 2005 at 6:03 pm · Filed under dating/relationships, daily grind
I’ve always been against popped collars, but for some reason, it felt like the right thing to do to my polo shirt this morning. Thus, I’ve been walking around all day with a popped collar. Nobody’s said anything to me, which I guess is good. THe other thing is that the popped collar actually felt pretty good. I won’t ever make fun of anyone for their popped collars from now on.
I called my parents last night. They’re worried, as usual, because I’m sick with a pretty nasty cold/cough, which was pretty hard to hide over the phone. Anyway, so my dad told me about my tax returns, asked about my quals, and handed the phone to my mom. I then told my mom that a boy asked me out yesterday, and she burst out laughing. I’m not sure if that’s a good thing or a bad thing that my mom laughed when she found out that I got asked out. Then she asked me, “are you sure that he actually asked you out? maybe he was just trying to hang out with you as a normal friend.” Wow, thanks for your vote of confidence in me, mom. Then she was worried about Ryan, asking “Did Ryan get mad?”
For the record, no, mom, Ryan didn’t get mad, though he wasn’t as thrilled about me getting asked out as I was.
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