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Archive for life thoughts
January 18, 2007 at 1:38 pm · Filed under life thoughts, music
A while ago, I discovered this song called Fairytale (童话). I remember this past summer when I would walk around all day with this song playing repeatedly on my newly-acquired iPod Nano. After a bit of a hiatus, I’m still equally addicted. After discovering last night that YouTube has the music video version of this song, I have just kept playing it in the background …
I think the sad-inducing song makes me feel better about life in general because it lets me wallow in my own self pity, which for whatever reason is what I really need and want to do right now. It makes me reflect and miss people … friends, family, relationships, people I wanted to have been in better touch with …
全世界都不理我的时候， 只有你不可以不理我。
January 9, 2007 at 2:31 am · Filed under life thoughts
Last summer, I felt like I was living a movie, and rightfully so. There were ups and downs and dramas and coincidences and strange situations that could only appear all together in a movie, yet it was my life.
Today, I once again felt like I was in a movie, except where were the extraordinary events? It was such an ordinary day, yet I felt tears welling up twice, for no real apparent reason that I could verbalize. I think I just lost direction, or I never had one to begin with.
While semi-cleaning my apartment yesterday, I came across some canvases, brushes, and oils I had bought a while ago, as in about 4 years ago. That made me dig out some old old sketches I kept, and reminded me of how I wanted to go sit out in Killian Court on a sunny afternoon and just sketch out the dome. I thought about the art classes that I wanted to take, but never managed to get enough resolve to sign up for. All that was planned for last summer. I never got to those things that would make me happy, nor did I get any real work done for my research, my life right now. Every time a month passes by, I look back and wonder just how it was that I managed to accomplish nothing in the past month, yet the days just flow right past.
I wonder when I will find my direction, and more importantly, my motivation?
January 7, 2007 at 1:27 am · Filed under life thoughts
For some reason or other, I have a tendency to sit in the wrong row on airplanes. I’ll see the sign for 5D, for instance, but I have trouble lining up the sign with the actual row, and I inevitably end up sitting in 6D. It’s rather embarrassing, especially when I see a cute guy walking up to my row, make eye contact, and I think he has the seat next to me, but really he tells me that I’m sitting in his seat, and I have to gather up my book bag, my jacket, my purse, my magazine, and my book to move one row up to my actual seat.
On the second leg of my flight back to Boston today, I checked and double-checked before sitting down in seat 13A, positive that I sat in the correct row for once.
Some minutes later, a couple walks by and without addressing me directly (I was also engrossed in a book), the woman stops in the aisle next to my row and says to the man, “So is this our seat? But she’s in our seat.” The man says back, “Yup, she’s in my seat”, referring to me. I slowly start to close my book …
I then hear the woman say to her husband, “Oh honey, that’s okay. It’s a really empty flight; there are plenty of seats.” He agreed, but made sure to say, loudly enough for me to hear, “Well, yes, there are plenty of seats. I have no problems taking another seat, but she should know that she’s sitting in our seat.”
At this point, I closed my book, took out my boarding pass stub, looked up and very politely said, “Sir, am I sitting in your seat?”
I knew full well that I was NOT sitting in his seat, but I didn’t want to start out defensive and argumentative, so I took the pretend-to-be-dumb approach by acknowledging his accusation and offering to verify with my ticket stub to see where my actual seat is, but oh wait sir, my seat is 13A, this very row that I am in. Perhaps I’m not in your seat after all? (followed by a silent BUYA to myself).
He then said, very dismissively, “No, that’s okay, there are plenty of seats.” My brain registers the passive aggressive behavior, and I get pissed off.
Okay, pause.
The type of person I would LIKE to be is someone who in this situation would just go back to reading her book. So what if he thinks I’m in his seat? Let him think he’s right. My problem is that I am not that kind of person. With my pride, I simply cannot swallow the wrong accusation.
End pause.
The commotion the couple made was enough to attract an investigative stewardess, but since the plane was so empty, she simply told the couple to find a new row. I wasn’t about to let that go … so I showed my ticket stub to the stewardess, with a very inquisitive, “I think I’m in the right seat, 13A, am I not?”
She laughed, and said, “You sure are. He couldn’t have kicked you out even if he wanted to” and gave me a big smile.
You would think that I would then happily go back to reading my book; mission accomplished, right? But I didn’t; I closed my eyes and felt like an ass. Why did I have to prove that I was right? These are complete strangers; why couldn’t I just let that guy win the battle and think that I sat in his seat? Why couldn’t I just let it go??
I used to do this with Ryan. I never let anything go; I always had to have the last word, even when I knew I was wrong. I’ve learned since, to do better, but why can’t I just be the person big-minded and big-hearted enough to not care, period?
December 12, 2006 at 2:45 pm · Filed under life thoughts
How flexible are our opinions on issues? My feeling is that as long as I am educated on an issue, know the in’s and out’s, my opinion is fairly difficult to change on a short time-scale (several months, definitely less than 2 years). However, when I feel uninformed about a topic, I tend not to have any opinions either way, and wait to become informed before I make a decision.
So I ask this in light of several sessions I attended today regarding influencing public policy as scientists, and specifically convincing our Congressmen/women to vote in favor of not cutting NIH funding. As someone who doesn’t even feel comfortable talking about an issue about on which I am uninformed, I cannot possibly imagine the position of being a Congresswomen having to vote on issues that have nothing to do with me directly, but which I must carry an opinion in order to vote and affect the overall course of life in these United States.
Thus, the job of being a Congressional staff member seems incredibly hard. Congressmen/women rely on these folks to inform them to the point that they feel comfortable voting in Congress for/against bills. But do they ever feel entirely comfortable voting in those situations?
We were told today that our letters and phone calls to these folks’ offices can influence their opinions and their ultimate courses of voting. But in the end, do these Congressmen vote because their constituents convinced them one way or another? Or because they already had personal opinions on these topics? When we vote these people into Congress, do we vote for them based on how likely we think we can influence their opinions during their tenure? Or do we vote for them based on our personal confidence in their integrity and the likelihood of their views aligning with our own?
December 4, 2006 at 6:45 pm · Filed under life thoughts
Watch enough Chinese movies and inevitably somebody says that they have a 苦命, literally “bitter life”. It just means that their life seems harder than most; things don’t really work out the way they’re meant to, and they don’t get lucky breaks, or the lucky breaks are actually disasters further down the road. Yesterday I wondered if I’m on my path to a “bitter life.”
How melodramatic, right? Thinking that maybe I’m just not destined to have things work out. I’m losing quite a bit of motivation, about school and about relationships. I don’t want to talk to people again; small talk grates on my nerves and makes me tired. I feel like I need to do something different, do something differently … but not sure if I have the courage to do it.
I kinda want to take off a year and just do something random (Go live in China? do something Peace Corps-esque in Africa? Live at home with mom & dad and intern/volunteer as a wedding planner?). I feel like I need a break from my current life, and a couple of weeks of vacation isn’t enough to rejuvenate me.
August 10, 2006 at 4:12 pm · Filed under life thoughts
I’m in another one of these “how did I get here” ruts (previously, see here and here). Today’s bout was triggered by the iPod nano that arrived in the mail (it actually got here yesterday; I was just too oblivious to notice). Staring at my own reflection in the shiny metal backing of the nano, I wondered if my impulsive decision on the inscription was such a good idea after all. Memories will stay with me forever, and I want them to be there when I feel introspective and nostalgic, but do I want to be reminded daily of the once-upon-a-time happiness, and of the ensuing pain?
It’s still hard for me to believe all that has transpired in this past year, the changes in my attitude and the changes in my relationships with those around me. Today, I am surrounded by people I call close friends whom I didn’t even know existed last summer. A future I was so certain of last August is no longer there (40-50% chance, he said when I pressed him on it, but I knew in my heart that it was zero even before I asked the question). A lab/project I hated is no longer a part of my life. Friends whom I thought would be around forever are gone, both effectively and literally.
Last August, I was counting down the years until May 2007 (”Only two more years,” I thought). This August, I still care, but in a different way (”I hope he moves to DC, and not Chicago,” I think). Last August, I had plans to go to Ireland in November (”It’s kinda your homeland,” I tried to convince Ryan). This August, I find myself counting down the days until September 1 and wishing I were less superficial about Irish. Last August, I was ready to quit grad school to go back to selling my soul because anything’s better than grad school. This August, I am happy listening to Damien Rice’s haunting lyrics while I put off lab work because grad school is flexible like that. Last August, I was confused about “What’s in a name”. This August, I couldn’t care less, though in my dreams I still occasionally see things I would rather forget. Perhaps my subconscious is still acutely aware of the pains/regrets/giddyness of yesterdays, despite my waking hours’ logic and reason telling me I am okay.
And where am I going now? I don’t feel very in control of my life; I feel like I’m just going along with what each day hands to me because that’s what’s easiest. I feel like I tried the being-in-control approach, and ended up nowhere near where I thought I would be, so why even bother trying? Just let it flow.
A friend told me yesterday that he was “swigging it”. I paused, confused, and he explained, “SWIG–see where it goes.” “Oh, I see,” I said, “in that case, let’s swig it together.”
July 10, 2006 at 11:15 pm · Filed under life thoughts, people
Conversation with Ryan
Sunday morning, as Ryan drove me and him to Paul’s house inside the Beltway for some brunch, I told him about Dave. Ryan had only met him once, so I asked him if he remembers a guy named Dave whom he met when we went to that Jeff Scholar cocktail thing at the Boston Harbor Hotel. Ryan knew immediately exactly who I was talking about, which continues to speak volumes about just how personable Dave was.
Ryan was absolutely shocked and couldn’t stop saying “no way”, “no way”, “no way”. His comment that really hit home was, “My gosh, but I remember him being such a great guy, super good looking, really easy to talk to, so genuine. I mean, he was so good; he really had it set. No way.”
With my mom:
While sitting at Dulles Airport later Sunday, waiting for my flight back to Boston, I called my mom and dad. I told mom about Dave, and the fact that on Friday, I randomly thought about how we haven’t seen or talked to each other for a while. She immediately said, “Don’t dismiss things like that. It was a premonitive sign.” She, like me, remarked on you never ever know what will happen next in life.
With my BUDA team:
I had to explain my absence from the game last week, along with the road rash and prominent scabs I have on my arms and legs. Maybe because it’s been more than a week since the crash, or maybe because these people are still strangers to me, I really toned down the details, despite really wanting to say “I would probably be dead had I not been wearing a helmet”. Mourning and missing Dave, I often shake my head in wonder and disbelief at my own sheer luck. I could have easily also made it onto the local news.
With people who think helmets look “uncool”:
Smashing your skull open on the pavement is even more uncool. My helmet took the beating and saved my life:
July 9, 2006 at 2:14 am · Filed under life thoughts, people
My original intention was to write some non-sense about Pirates of the Caribbean: Dean Man’s Chest, or complain some more about unmet expectations. That all went out the window when I saw an email in my inbox from Mary Ashburn with a subject line of “sad news”. Upon opening the email, my jaws dropped, my hands went up instinctively to cover my mouth as I sat in my hotel room in Reston, Virginia wondering what the hell happened up on Boston. The tears came gushing out as I clicked through the Boston Globe article link that came with the hard-to-believe words of the email. The tears wouldn’t stop.
The funny thing is that I actually thought about Dave yesterday. I was sitting on the hotel shuttle that picked me up from Dulles Airport. Right as we turned left onto Sunrise Valley Drive from the exit road off of Dulles Toll, I thought “Gee, I really haven’t seen Dave for a while. I wonder how he’s doing. And really, here’s a guy who is super cute, so nice, and such a solid person. And Harvard Med to boot. Why the hell is he single? I wonder if he’s got a girl now?” I don’t know what exactly about the way the traffic light looked as the shuttle turned, or the way the suburban parkway was lined with brightly-green trees, what about those that made my thoughts randomly turn to Dave Magoon. And the timing … yesterday of all days I randomly thought about Dave Magoon.
I can’t stop asking myself just how in the world this can possibly be??? How do accidents like this happen? How did I ever manage to get up from my near-death bike crash last week? How can Dave possibly no longer be with us? How can life be so ridiculously unpredictable, so lucky and so unfairly unlucky at the same time? Of all the people in the world, how could it possibly have been Dave?
The funny thing is that the last time I saw Dave, he was actually laughingly weaving me a story about the rooftop above his apartment that he is not allowed to be on. He and his roommate put a gazebo on the rooftop so that they could go out there and party it up sometimes. However, a great big gust of wind blew the gazebo over the edge of the building, landing it on a car parked in the street and completely ruined the car. He laughed and said he wasn’t sure how they were going to resolve the issue with the car-owner nor his landlord because his landlord would first demand to know why there was a gazebo on the forbidden rooftop to begin with.
There is one memory that I will always remember of Dave. When I saw him in Boston last fall, the first time in what must have been at least a couple of years, he gave me a hug so big, and so geunine, that anyone else would have thought we were long-lost siblings seeing each other for the first time in decades. It made me feel so good.
June 26, 2006 at 11:13 pm · Filed under life thoughts, pictures
Before I go on, and before I forget, here are some pictures from the fateful HST formal, which in retrospect may not have been all that fateful. I posted these a while ago, but I don’t think I ever made a mention here.
Okay, and now for the movie-script life.
You know the feeling you get when things around you seem so surreal that you stop and ask yourself “wait, am I sure I’m not living in a movie?” That’s how I have felt this whole past week (and maybe longer than that even), and it’s not even a good movie. It is a sad movie with sad (sad-melancholy, not sad-pathetic) characters with tragic lives.
I was recounting to a dear dear friend today about the conversations that I have had recently, the events that have unfolded, the people around me, the drama … and unprompted, she said, “wow, I feel like I’m reading a movie script.” Which was exactly how I felt, and her saying that just made me even more aware of how ridiculously unbelievable everything has been. But what do you do? Life is life is life is life.
Remember those Carrie-Bradshaw voiceovers that always summed up SATC episodes? That’s how my thoughts run these days (case-in-point: “do we ever truly find that person? And how often do we simply stop at ‘good enough’?” … add some Carrie wit, and it’ll fit right in).
Anyways, in other news (and not much happier), I sprained my ankle playing ultimate today. Worst part was, I didn’t even end up saving the disc I jumped for. At least an injury incurred while making a save is a glorified injury. Now I’m just a sucker who didn’t know any better. The happy news is that I love my summer ultimate team. I’m so glad I joined and stuck with it, despite feeling so incredibly nervous when I showed up to my first game because I knew that I wouldn’t know a single person in the league.
June 22, 2006 at 9:40 pm · Filed under life thoughts
I’m not one to get overly excited about things and lose sight of reality, but every once in a while, I do psyche myself out. My most recent foray into the land of high expectations left me … disappointed. *insert annoying, melodramatic, fishing-for-sympathy phrase here*
I drafted an email last night that I wanted to send, but it got late, and I didn’t have it worded entirely the way I wanted it, so I left it as a draft. This morning, most of the things I wrote last night became rather obsolete, which certainly gives credence to the trite saying of “sleep on it”, but to my credit, the situation changed somewhat this morning, so my change of sentiment over a night’s sleep was not entirely due to my fickle emotions.
My general unreadiness to deal with unmet high expectations exhibits itself through deep anger, inexplicable in source even to me. All I am able to feel is an overwhelming sense of unfairness and an unreasonable desire to bring justice to the world, to the situation, to anything that would lessen the embarrassment for having dreamt big and subsequently having failed miserably. I have always been this way, and no matter how logical I try to be, shattered expectations leave me devastated and leave those around me puzzled, annoyed, even angry at my stubborn unwillingness to drop things and JUST MOVE ON.
Being unable to control my emotions after-the-fact, I started not having expectations in the first place so that I can never really be disappointed, thereby avoiding the downward spiral of increasing anger. As such, it is very easy to tell the second I start placing wholehearted trust in a person: I start upping my expectations of him/her. No pressure.
This time around, this past week or so, I was more hurt than angry at my expectations not having been met. Part of me wishes that I had been bitter enough last night to have just sent that email, to get all those unsaid words off of my chest. But I didn’t, and sending the email now would just sound whiny and unstable.
So here’s to the next opportunity for choosing the right words at the right time. It would be better said in person than in an email anyway.
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