I’m in another one of these “how did I get here” ruts (previously, see here and here). Today’s bout was triggered by the iPod nano that arrived in the mail (it actually got here yesterday; I was just too oblivious to notice). Staring at my own reflection in the shiny metal backing of the nano, I wondered if my impulsive decision on the inscription was such a good idea after all. Memories will stay with me forever, and I want them to be there when I feel introspective and nostalgic, but do I want to be reminded daily of the once-upon-a-time happiness, and of the ensuing pain?

It’s still hard for me to believe all that has transpired in this past year, the changes in my attitude and the changes in my relationships with those around me. Today, I am surrounded by people I call close friends whom I didn’t even know existed last summer. A future I was so certain of last August is no longer there (40-50% chance, he said when I pressed him on it, but I knew in my heart that it was zero even before I asked the question). A lab/project I hated is no longer a part of my life. Friends whom I thought would be around forever are gone, both effectively and literally.

Last August, I was counting down the years until May 2007 (”Only two more years,” I thought). This August, I still care, but in a different way (”I hope he moves to DC, and not Chicago,” I think). Last August, I had plans to go to Ireland in November (”It’s kinda your homeland,” I tried to convince Ryan). This August, I find myself counting down the days until September 1 and wishing I were less superficial about Irish. Last August, I was ready to quit grad school to go back to selling my soul because anything’s better than grad school. This August, I am happy listening to Damien Rice’s haunting lyrics while I put off lab work because grad school is flexible like that. Last August, I was confused about “What’s in a name”. This August, I couldn’t care less, though in my dreams I still occasionally see things I would rather forget. Perhaps my subconscious is still acutely aware of the pains/regrets/giddyness of yesterdays, despite my waking hours’ logic and reason telling me I am okay.

And where am I going now? I don’t feel very in control of my life; I feel like I’m just going along with what each day hands to me because that’s what’s easiest. I feel like I tried the being-in-control approach, and ended up nowhere near where I thought I would be, so why even bother trying? Just let it flow.

A friend told me yesterday that he was “swigging it”. I paused, confused, and he explained, “SWIG–see where it goes.” “Oh, I see,” I said, “in that case, let’s swig it together.”