Being summertime, and prime college visits season, I see multiple tour groups through campus all day everyday full of bright, young, wide-eyed kids bored through their minds and their baby-boomer parents who keep volunteering things like “my child made a foam horse that could fly when he was still in the womb. He is a natural genius conceived to go to MIT; he will fit right in.”
Riiiiiiight … but the point of this isn’t to talk about baby-boomer parents, nor even offer any opinion on the undergrads who are here. I want to take a moment to address the tour guides, and offer a few quick pointers, if I may:
1) DON’T WALK BACKWARDS. What are you trying to accomplish? Being able to walk and talk to your tour group at the same time? Well, I hate to break it to ya, but when you’re walking across Mass Ave full of cars honking, construction cranes drilling asphalt, and walk-signals chirping, who the hell even hears what you’re saying anyways?? You’re risking your life walking backwards for nothing. Maybe that mother in the front will get overzealously unselfish enough to actually warn you before you slam your back into that telephone poll. Urgent care over in Medical is open 24/7, okay?
2) TOUR GROUPS OF 30 DO NOT FIT INTO ELEVATORS, so quit trying to stuff them all in like sardines. What’s so important on the second floor anyways? Building 56 has labs on the second floor, and the third floor has yet more labs. With locked doors. Oh, but you can walk over to building 18 on the third floor skywalk. I bet the tour group would like to do that, just so that they can have a do-over on the whole sardines experience going back down, but hey at least they get to see the inside of the Building 18 elevator, too! Anything for elevators.
3) THE BASEMENT IS NOT SOMETHING TO SHOW OFF. Standing in a darkened corridor with nothing but closed doors on either side talking about the MIT social life just isn’t fair. I mean, darkened hallways are so great for fun things like sliding down the freshly waxed floor with socks on, running into zombie grad students, taking a late-night stroll by yourself when you really want to go to sleep but can’t because your roommate’s “friend” is over … these are much too exciting things to show these prospectives & parents! They might think that MIT isn’t a serious academic institution, and that all kids do here is have fun sleep-walking. *GASP*
4) DO NOT EVER WALK BACKWARDS!! EVER!! This one’s so important that I’ll repeat myself. Handsome, you’re too cute to get laughed at for running into a parked car, and way too precious to your darling mother to trip over that step and bust your head on the concrete, go to the ER with blood on your face, and subsequently have to listen to your mother wailing over the phone about her poor poor baby.
Okay, rant closed. Call me a snobby tour guide. You know you want to. I was only a University Guide for 4 short years and gave 100+ tours. Big deal.