I’m not one to get overly excited about things and lose sight of reality, but every once in a while, I do psyche myself out. My most recent foray into the land of high expectations left me … disappointed. *insert annoying, melodramatic, fishing-for-sympathy phrase here*

I drafted an email last night that I wanted to send, but it got late, and I didn’t have it worded entirely the way I wanted it, so I left it as a draft. This morning, most of the things I wrote last night became rather obsolete, which certainly gives credence to the trite saying of “sleep on it”, but to my credit, the situation changed somewhat this morning, so my change of sentiment over a night’s sleep was not entirely due to my fickle emotions.

My general unreadiness to deal with unmet high expectations exhibits itself through deep anger, inexplicable in source even to me. All I am able to feel is an overwhelming sense of unfairness and an unreasonable desire to bring justice to the world, to the situation, to anything that would lessen the embarrassment for having dreamt big and subsequently having failed miserably. I have always been this way, and no matter how logical I try to be, shattered expectations leave me devastated and leave those around me puzzled, annoyed, even angry at my stubborn unwillingness to drop things and JUST MOVE ON.

Being unable to control my emotions after-the-fact, I started not having expectations in the first place so that I can never really be disappointed, thereby avoiding the downward spiral of increasing anger. As such, it is very easy to tell the second I start placing wholehearted trust in a person: I start upping my expectations of him/her. No pressure.

This time around, this past week or so, I was more hurt than angry at my expectations not having been met. Part of me wishes that I had been bitter enough last night to have just sent that email, to get all those unsaid words off of my chest. But I didn’t, and sending the email now would just sound whiny and unstable.

So here’s to the next opportunity for choosing the right words at the right time. It would be better said in person than in an email anyway.