Conjured Activism

conquering the world one oxymoron at a time

why oh why …

April 16, 2006 at 12:55 pm · Filed under daily grind

… are the moon and tide
trying real hard to get on my bad side?
I made a moonlight wish with the stars and the fish
just to be happy not to be selfish

- Bad Side by Jump, Little Children

There was something I was dying to find out a few months ago. At one point I suspected a particular answer, but I put it out of my head in denial/self-defense/general disbelief. Soon, I stopped caring and forgot that I ever even wanted to know. An off-handed comment that someone made today brought those thoughts back into the limelight because the comment seemed to confirm whatever suspicions I had initially. After some digging around for dirt, I most definitely got a confirmation, and all of this now has me spiraling down into depression.

I really just don’t understand why things turned out the way that they did, and this extra tidbit of information only nags at me more. I want to “just be happy and not be selfish”, but I can’t help feeling pangs of resentment. I was happy with having unconfirmed suspicions; I was happy not knowing the truth; I was happy forgetting that I even cared. All of this gave me no reasons to dwell in the past.

I really do wish that this had never surfaced today, or ever. Drown information drown. Ignorance was bliss.

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1 Comment »

Keltheyounger wrote @ April 16th, 2006 at 10:54 pm

I’m guessing there is a 99% chance this has to do with a romantic situation? Only because I myself have been there with romance, but I’ve never gotten depressed about academics unless I really screwed something up. And usually one need not dig for dirt re: professional issues. I like this poem:

See the happy moron,
He doesn’t give a damn.
I wish I were a moron -
My God perhaps I am!

One aspect of being a good person is caring enough to be in touch with reality even though it sometimes hurts. The other aspect is being true to yourself and to others at least once. After someone violates that, there’s nothing selfish about, say, wanting them to spend their lives in misery. The world is full of people who never even give that first chance, who are selfish and reckless with relations. Sometimes we think we’ve found one of the few who aren’t, we trust them, and then we find out it was a lie. But I’ve never been hurt by someone and been unable to see vast weaknesses in them - weaknesses that will eventually bring them great harm. There is a pervading justice in the world, even though we sometimes seem to suffer in vain…trust that the morons will fail to give a damn at all the wrong times.

Smile!

PS It was exactly one year ago today that I found out a girl I used to be crazy about was getting engaged. Life goes on, I’m still here, better things await our presence.