conquering the world one oxymoron at a time
March 29, 2006 at 2:50 pm
· Filed under people
We had a department-wide retreat that spanned Sunday through yesterday in Hyannis, MA (in Cape Cod). There were multiple let-downs, but thankfully there were many more highlights. Playing ultimate frisbee barefoot on a sandy beach on a gloriously warm and sunny afternoon with one of my professors was a highlight. People who annoy me to no end comprised the majority of the let-downs.
Grabbing a quick bite at the student center with my resident we-overanalyze-and-talk-too-much-about-irresolvable-life-issues partner in crime, I tried to understand just what is it about certain very nice people, whom I also call friends … just what is it about them makes me want to scream and strangle them? I came to the conclusion that my friendships with people must be very balanced, and the following are no-no’s:
- A friendship cannot be formed from admiration, unless there is mutual admiration. Even then, admiration can only be used to START a friendship, and the general admiration needs to dissolve away as the friendship develops. Essentially, both people in the friendship need to grow to regard each other as complete equals.
- A friendship cannot be formed from my constantly being the emotional support for the other person. As much as I enjoy talking with friends and helping them work through problems, I have my own issues as well, and sometimes I just need my own space and not have someone call me to talk about how they got pimples from stress.
- Finally, a friendship absolutely cannot have any elements of clingyness. I don’t think of myself as a clingy kind of a friend, and I cannot stay happy-go-lucky enough to fight my annoyances and remain friends with someone who always clings to me.
When I start to get annoyed at a friend for the above reasons, I am also overcome with pangs of guilt. Usually what happens is that I am faced with a friend whom I am extremely annoyed with (for the above reasons), but who considers me to be his/her best friend. Why? Because I was the one there giving them emotional support when they needed it; they looked up to me for advice; I was always there for them; I was so incredibly nice. In turn, they start coming to me with more and more issues until it just finally blows up in my head, and I actively start avoiding them so that I don’t have to deal with their problems any more.
Then there are people who just annoy me to no end because I actively despise them and think them shady characters bathing in insincerity, but I think that is topic for another time.
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Anonymous wrote @ March 30th, 2006 at 8:45 am
grow the fuck up and stop feeling so selfish and self-centered….maybe then you’ll learn that the “issues” that you’re having are nothing but feeling selfish and self-centered…
Shan wrote @ March 30th, 2006 at 9:43 am
i don’t deny i’m selfish and self-centered sometimes. we all are. this is, after all, my blog, and I use it to comment on things in my life, sometimes good sometimes bad. nobody is asking you to read it. if you have issues with it and want to voice your opinion, at least have the balls to not hide behind an “anonymous” identity.
Liang wrote @ March 30th, 2006 at 9:48 am
Anonymous, stop being such an unpleasant fuckwit. Everyone is self-centred; it is hardwired into our brains. The important distinction between self-centredness and selfishness is that selfish people choose to impose their self-centredness on others. Shan is not selfish because she only vents her self-centredness on her blog, which YOU read voluntarily. Therefore, if you don’t like what she writes, don’t read it and don’t screw it up with rude and completely unconstructive comments.
Tell me, why are you so afraid of revealing your identity? Are you afraid of having your sorry ass kicked? You bloody well deserve it.
Liang wrote @ March 30th, 2006 at 9:49 am
Wow, Shan - great minds think alike!!! :-)
Anonymous wrote @ March 30th, 2006 at 1:54 pm
it doesn’t matter who i am. in same way, that it doesn’t matter who you are either. your issues are not unique. they can be heard from thousands of 20-somethings going through their so-called quarter-life crisis. for me to hide behind an “anonymous” name is no less different from you shit talking about people on your blog without giving their names. if there’s anyone that should grow some balls, it should be you. you should tell your so-called friends what you really think about them to their face, rather than hiding behind a stupid blogger that does nothing but calls attention to your “problems” while you look for solace and positive comments from the same friends that you can’t stand. go ahead, shan, tell liang what you really think about him. be a true friend.
pretty sure somebody (whos name will remain “anonymous”) doesn’t get the point behind a blog. But then again its not your fault for being stupid……….its this darned education system of ours. But way to go…….speaking up for the retards of america, whos voice until now has been snuffed out by “selfish” and “self-centered” people like shan. I applaud your stand.
I’m thinking maybe you should start a blog. And instead of getting your own website, why not just start your blog right here.
Well, looks like its your turn to make some sort of response, which i probably wont read fully, but will comment about anyway. If you think shan is self-centered……..you would just love me. Ok, i’m waiting… Lets see how long it takes you to write back. Pretty sure it took you about 3 hours to compose your last retarded message, let try to beat that ok…………….
Anonymous wrote @ March 30th, 2006 at 3:44 pm
if you want an avenue to “vent,” you could easily do it in a private journal or diary, or even write a private letter to the person it’s directed at. hell, you might actually be able to resolve the “issue” that way. it’s way more fucking productive than doing it on a blog. the only reason why a person would choose to have a blog is they want to their “vents” to be read by someone, maybe by anyone (hey, i’m fucking reading), or maybe by the person it’s intended towards in the hopes that they’ll read it, realize “the errors of their ways,” and come back groveling to the author.
“hey, shan. you know i was reading your blog the other day about how you thought this person was an asshole. i realized that asshole you were talking about is me. i’m so glad, shan, that you pointed out that i’m an asshole, especially in a way that everyone else knows that i’m asshole. now that i’m aware i’m an asshole, i can take the glorious path of being less of an asshole for. thanks shan, you’re my savior. i couldn’t have done it without you.”
i would never be so fucked up as to have my own blog…. if i have issues with someone i truly care about, i’d have the courtesy to deal with it with them in private rather than to go bitch about that person in a semi-obscure and nameless fashion while everyone who’s reading really knows who and what you’re talking about.
obviously, i come across as a hypocrite for even posting on this blog, but i could give a shit about shan and her feelings, which is why i’m entitled and justified in whatever i say here, as i consider all of this bullshit nothing more than a voyeuristic escapade like all these blogs.
Ali wrote @ March 30th, 2006 at 6:36 pm
man, this is getting exciting. Who is ANONYMOUS SHAN?? I want to know NOW!! hehehe
Anonymous wrote @ March 31st, 2006 at 7:27 pm
test
Anonymous wrote @ March 31st, 2006 at 7:29 pm
hey shan
why’d you switch labs?
Paula wrote @ April 3rd, 2006 at 8:11 am
whoa. shan, you’re a better person than i.
when someone posts a comment i don’t like, i delete them. usually it’s people i know, see often, and they even have an actual identity.
once i deleted someone on the off chance that they were trying to offend me :) i love being capricious. hence my blog announcement stating that a post was “proclaimed by” me at whatever time :D
anyway - back to what i was actually going to comment about:
regarding your #2:
i’ve lost several friends (all of whom shall remain nameless) over this issue. a couple because i was trying to be more help than they wanted, and felt me smothering (even though the obvious reason was that they were crying on my shoulder ALL THE TIME! and i felt the need to stop it by assisting them) another because i was being slowly drowned by her incessant cries for help and subsequent self-destructive binges and returns to abusive relationships (in this case, i just left: physically, emotionally, everything. and it was a thing of beauty, i felt born-again.)
anyway, my unsolicited advice is this: if you feel yourself drowning, get out of the relationship, as hard as it may be, and as tied down as you may feel. SAVE YOURSELF! (it’s never “that simple” but there’s a point where a friend becomes an anchor.) you never know, my anchor friend and i may one day be friends again.
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