I feel like I am drowning again, this time not just with the external stresses of my involvements. In a way, these external stresses gave me reason to ignore some internal issues these past few weeks. The external stresses kept me busy, kept me tired, kept me focused on other things so that I didn’t really think about the internal issues.

Just a couple of weeks ago, I remember thinking that everything in my life is pretty good. My mentality was that I liked where I was, and my issues were mainly academic in that the only source of stress and unhappiness in my life was my research. In the past week or so however, a lot more has come crashing down than my research. My relationships with others have been deteriorating; I’ve been incredibly edgy. I’m not so sure that research is my only source of headaches now.

I sometimes wonder how I can be happier. I don’t think that I am depressed, but there are times like these when things just seem incredibly tough. I think whether I would have been happier at UVA, or UCSD, or perhaps Goldman/APT/Bain/Lehman/Bear even. I wonder if I would have been happier in another lab, or another department altogether. I wonder if I would be happier if I were engaged, married, and also if I would be happier if I were with someone else.

I wonder what my purpose in life is. I don’t really know what I want to do right now. I feel like I am just floating through space, letting time take its course. That seems like a waste of time to me. I don’t stay 22 (soon 23) forever, and will I regret the worthlessness that my life was at this age when I look back 10 years from now? How can I change things when I don’t even know what I want to do? How can I be happier when I don’t even know what would make me happy?