I am really starting to question my decision to come here. More and more I feel like I am not getting very much out of this experience that I can hold to be valuable, and it takes such a toll on my life, my state of mind, and my general happiness that its worth doesn’t quite add up anymore.
I can’t help mulling over in my mind the fact that I never really wanted to be here in the first place. This isn’t what I wanted to do, but through whatever pressures from others, pressures from my life, pressures to meet expectations, I signed on for this thinking “what’s the big deal, just another 5 years of school.” The reality is that it’s not just another 5 years of school. If I don’t enjoy it, it’s 5 years of unhappiness. If I am not getting much out of it, it’s 5 years of wasting my life. If I’m truly miserable going through this, it’s 5 years of getting up in the morning forcing myself to face something that I hate, only to find out after 5 years that life will never change because I have locked myself in jobs I don’t want to do because of the three stupid little letters behind my name.
My heart/mind wasn’t into all of this when I arrived last August, and through the course of the year, I feel like I have constantly questioned whether or not this is it. I have tried to push out of my mind the fact that it doesn’t really make sense to spend 5 years to get a degree that I want to do nothing with after graduating. But somehow, all along, I thought my mindset would change, that circumstances would change, and they really haven’t.
Maybe it’s the impending quals that’s making me start to really really question many of these things and become consumed by these thoughts, maybe it’s just that this past month has been especially hard, maybe it’s other things in life … I don’t know. The past couple of days, I feel like all of this bottled up resistance has just come crashing down in the form of total and utter hopelessness. So what if I study and pass quals? I still have research waiting for me that I really couldn’t care less about. So what if I make some progress on my research project? It just means that I have to keep going at it instead of doing something else.
There are times when I think, gosh, all I have to do is talk to somebody, my parents, my advisor, my friends … but when it all comes down to it, I can’t talk to them. My parents will only tell me that I’m feeling down because I’ve got this big test coming up. They’ll just try to tell me that I always back down from stuff when the going gets tough. They won’t listen if I tell them, no mom, no dad, I really didn’t want to do this, and it was you who pressured me to come here in the first place. They won’t believe me if I say, yes mom, yes dad, if you weren’t in the picture, I’d probably be in Atlanta right now. Friends don’t really fully understand. People who are here want to be here, and people who aren’t here can’t understand why I would ever complain about being at one of the “greatest places in the world for science.”
shan,
this is EXACTLY how I have felt for the past year or so.. I understand it *perfectly*. I felt SO out of place and like I couldn’t talk to anyone – everyone here in med school is THRILLED about being here, and I was feeling resentful instead (because I felt pushed into it). I also have this thing where I feel like I have to prove myself to my parents before I can do what I want, and that I would never be able to do what I wanted – and that my whole life was out of control. And I was freaking MISERABLE because med school is tough even on people who WANT to be here, and the fact that I wasn’t doing so great on exams made me feel stupid at the same time.
anyways, I’m talking about all of this in the past tense because I figured out something: either I have to get up and DO what I want, and let the chips fall where they may (all that I really want is a year to do something artsy really well – play the tabla, say), or I undergo a change in perspective. I picked the latter option, because a year off now wouldn’t make much sense. I’m undergoing the perspective shift, instead, and while it sounds like I’m brainwashing myself, it’s more like I’m just trying to appreciate where I am. I’m definitely not saying that you should do that, because I know you DO appreciate the same kind of stuff about your life that I appreciate about mine, but I would definitely suggest you sit down and really decide if this degree you’re working for means anything in the grand scheme of your life. If you decide it doesn’t, I hope you have the courage to follow your heart.. it sounds cheesy, but it’s really the only thing that matters. :)
Vandna
First, mate, goodonya (as we say in Australia) for thinking about this difficult issue. We talked about this over a quick burrito a couple of weeks ago – remember?
As you know, I am in a sort of similar situation. I came here thinking I might do a PhD but now the answer is almost definitely no. I just don’t have the passion for another four years of this, and seeing so many PhD students floating around after 4-5 years in limbo, without a light at the tunnel, drives the nail in the coffin. My attitude is that one definitely shouldn’t pursue a PhD unless one is 150% sure about wanting it; otherwise it’s simply not worth the pain, anxiety, stress, opportunity cost and so on.
And don’t worry about not knowing what you want to do for the rest of your life. You don’t have to make that decision now. I plan to hop jobs and careers at least a couple more times before I hit my thirties while I am unattached and am still able to do so.
I have a lot more to say but let’s discuss this over a beer or two – ON ME – after you finish your quals next week. Good luck and call me if I can be of any help in the last few hectic days (I am back in town late on the 23rd).
Cheers mate,
L.
… it’s the afternoon before my own quals, and I’m glad to see my esteemed friend feel the same way about being here…
For the past 7 days, I have been out of Tang twice, for a couple of hours each. When I went to the concert with Jerry on Sunday, it was my first time out since last Wednesday. I thought to myself, “So this is what I feel to be outside.”
I still like Boston. Just not MIT.
- Ed
Wow, Shan, you sound like a law student. I am miserable too, and it’s not cool to be miserable during your young and fun years! Do you get any sort of a summer respite? Doesn’t it suck that we’ve been working our rear ends off for 2 years longer than most folks? I thank GSSM for some of my burnout. I know your tests went well, but if you don’t love what you’re doing, screw it! Dude, you have way too many abilities to be giving your energies to something you don’t even like. (I’m saying all this b/c I need to listen to it myself.) Hang in there.
It’s been a bumpy road to economic recovery but the chance of getting there is inevitable.
Conjured Activism » Blog Archive » the aftermaths … // Jun 10, 2006 at 12:42 pm
[...] 2) I am much happier now than I was last May about some life choices. This subject really deserves its own entry. For now though, it will remain a joyful afterthought. [...]
Conjured Activism // Jan 18, 2007 at 1:25 pm
[...] I think back to this time last year, and the one thing that brought all those days together was the cold, drenching, dreary rain that fell for days and weeks and seemed to never go away. I remember the hopeless rain that fell as I sat in Logan Airport, across from the America West checkin counter in Terminal B, leaning on his shoulder, with wet blurry eyes and tears that fell and fell and would not go away. I remember taking the empty T back, wanting to cry myself to sleep, only to be met with day after day of being holed up in the Whitehead Institute library studying 14 hours a day for two weeks straight for those dreadful quals. The rain kept falling outside, splashing against the windows, drenching me as I biked home late at night, drizzling as I went for coffee breaks around the corner, pitter pattering against the window waking me up at night. [...]